Mom + Single = Crazy

In the last 3years that I've found myself being a single mom, things have been nuts. 
I've experienced an array of emotions that have not just made me feel like I was going insane but that I actually was insane.
As a teenager I suffered from depression, so I guess it was no surprise that while pregnant I suffered from it once more followed by more depression commonly known as postpartum depression.
This was nicely fuelled  by self accusations that I was a horrible mother, simply because I felt no love for the tiny being I carried for 9months. 
I felt nothing when I held him in my arms, yet he was perfect and a beautiful baby. 
He didn't cry often and he slept his nights.
He smelled good and he was always smiling.
He had a gorgeous head of hair and these huge almond eyes that were a dark chocolate colour.
He was perfect, yet I felt nothing for him.
And that made me feel worse because I knew that I was supposed to love him and I didn't.
I wanted to be in love with my child to feel my heart swell (like it does now) when I looked or picked him up.
Instead I felt quite indifferent to this tiny being.
I wasn't ready for him, moreover I wasn't prepared to be a single mom or just plain single.
I believe that the single part is what threw me completely off balance.
My son's father and I never made promises to each other, other than to see if we can make an "Us" out of him and I.
We were fuck friends.
Simple as that.
I did harbour hope that while pregnant we would come together and form a family and for a while I thought or more like felt I was led to believe it would happen.
Even after I gave birth I held on to that hope.
I didn't make demands of him for us to stay together and even when he suggested we live together once the baby was born.
Call me stupid, but staying with someone just because you had a child isn't the reason why I wanted to stay there with hi, even if I was tempted to say yes just to be near him.
Wanting me to stay so he could fulfil his sense of obligation wasn't reason or motive enough for me to agree.
I spent the 1st 14months of my child's life sad, constantly asking him to forgive his mama for bringing him into this world without a proper family.
For having him live in an environment that wasn't very stable.
Regardless of all this, I am happy to say that he was the kick in the ass I needed to take charge of my life.
He became the reason for my wanting to return to school and get my degree.
The reason why I quit smoking and wanted to lose weight and be healthy.
He turned out to be my salvation from a boring and unfulfilled life.
It took me a few months to realize I did love him "crazy-head-overheels-in-love-with-him" but my head had been so far up my ass that it was no wonder I couldn't see straight.
He was the perfect wake up call.
I have finally realized after some therapy and great family-friend-support-system how lucky I am.
That I am not alone in what I went through and I most likely won't be the last to go through it.
I am willing to make all the necessary sacrifices to unsure that my son and I have not just stability in our lives but also a loving and secure home where he will grow up knowing not only was he wanted but also very much loved.
Even if this all came at a great cost in standing up to his father (he doesn't see it as such).
I am glad that I grew a spine and find myself in a very busy 2nd semester of school.
Following my dreams and ensuring that this little boy who is my life can reach his dreams one day.
I am thoroughly enjoying University and following a healthy balance of single mom and student life.
I am also currently in a custody battle (hate the term) with my son's father, although the only reason he seems to be in it is too not pay child support as he hasn't made much time for our boy in the last year or so.
Still,  the important thing is  that this Tiny Being who came to be without planning is healthy, happy, loves to laugh and play with balls and planes, is in an environment filled with aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents who show him on a daily basis that he is loved.
To me that is all that matters, not his father or my wants but that our Baby Boy is first and for most at the top of my list.